Killing My Chances of EVER Being Taylor Swift’s BFF
I’ve been reading a lot of backlash in The Internets and The Blogosphere regarding the enormous popularity of Taylor Swift in light of her questionable ability to . . . you know . . . sing.
Or to stand up straight.
Well, I am here today to tell you that I have solved the mystery that is The Sycophancy of Taylor Swift. (And to thank thesaurus.com for giving me such a kickass synonym for the word “popularity”.) And, because the goal of this here website is now, has always been, and forever will be to offer the world the benefit of my opinion, I will share the solution with you.
Y’all ready for this?
Taylor Swift’s songs are telepathic, subconscious, super-hero-strength EAR WORMS.
It is my strong belief that, with as little as even one exposure to Swift via the likes of “Love Story” or “You Belong with Me”, human beings are powerless to move through their daily lives without whistling, singing, and/or humming those melodies ON ENDLESS REPEAT.
And what’s worse? These same humans become powerful weapons as they go from their homes to their jobs and into eating and entertainment establishments and places of business, passing on the Taylor Swift catalog to OTHER UNSUSPECTING HUMANS like the musical equivalent of the Ebola virus.
Yet, the United States government’s national threat level remains at only Yellow? INCONCEIVABLE.
So what can we do to MAKE IT STOP? Well, I, propose a five step approach.
1. Prohibit the out loud playing of any of Swift’s songs in your home, in your car, and at your place of employment. You may need to purchase a satellite radio or iTrip device for alternative sources of Swift-free music, as well as make physical threats to co-workers, to complete this simple step.
2. Avoid watching televised music awards shows. Obviously. She wins A LOT of awards. And, on second thought, avoid watching televised awards shows of ANY genre on the basis that Swift could be invited to sing for groups of drunk nominated famous people at any time without warning, plus the jokes on those shows are always lame anyway.
3. Delete any Taylor Swift songs currently in your iTunes library. Yes, even “Fifteen”. ESPECIALLY “Fifteen”.
4. Cancel your cable subscription. By subscribing to cable, you are actually PAYING your provider to potentially Swift-slap you via MTV, MTV2, MTV Jams, MTV Hits, VH1, CMT, and all their HD and On Demand counterparts. Also, did you know that your digital cable package likely entitles you fifty or sixty free streaming music channels? A casual flip through the upper channels to search for that Law & Order: SVU rerun could easily end in tragedy.
5. Do not look at pictures of Taylor Swift, do not talk about her, and, most especially, do not read or write any blog posts about her. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. Ever been Rick-rolled? How about Swift-rolled? Don’t be the next victim of this preventable world wide web crime!! And I know you’re asking, “But why can’t I write about her?” Well, let’s just say that after I finish writing this post, I will be forced to make myself listen to Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” a minimum five times to re-program my brain, which is, by the way, the official safety measure to take should you experience an accidental Swift exposure. Do you want to take that chance? Do you?
Armed with the above information, I believe we can stop the Taylor Swift Love Train dead on the tracks. Are you with me? Yes, we can!
Now GO! my mighty minions, take my information and SAVE! THE! WORLD! (With the understanding that if a Taylor Swift song ever ends up being covered on Glee then we are so incredibly screwed.)
