How to Raise Your Fourth Child: A Guide to Realistic Parenting for this Day and Age

I am often asked why my daughter Katelynn, age two, has such a unique and difficult different personality compared to my other three children. The explanation is quite simple, as my parenting plan has been deliberately and markedly different for Katelynn since the beginning. (After all, she is my last baby.) So, in light of all the curiosity surrounding my childrearing approach, I felt it only fair to share the methods of my madness success. Here’s how I do it:

Setting the Example

1. Teach your child the concept of taking responsibility by blaming yourself for all her problems. [Her therapist will blame you later anyway.]

2. No one is perfect. You can easily teach your child this concept by pointing out other family members’ flaws and weaknesses. Doing it to their faces also teaches her the concept of brutal honesty. She has to learn it sometime.

3. Give her lots of opportunities to learn from your mistakes. This one requires no further explanation. You make a LOT of mistakes.

4. It is inevitable that she will be present for many arguments between you and your spouse. Keep the name-calling and punch-throwing to a minimum. If possible.

5. Teach her that money doesn’t grow on trees. It grows in a garden at Daddy’s office. And he’s the Master Gardener. That’s why he is never home. (And will never be at any of your school activities. And sometimes has trouble remembering your name. But Mommy will buy you a pony if you stop crying about it.)

Playtime

1. Watching Monsters, Inc. five or six times a day is a perfectly acceptable playtime activity. Don’t worry, after several hundred days, she will lose interest. [And start watching Beetlejuice instead.] Either way, you will have more uninterrupted time to mess around on the computer sleep play Sudoku go get a pedicure clean house.

2. Terrorizing the cat is also an acceptable playtime activity. However, prior declawing is recommended. For the cat. Not the kid.

3. Other children should be encouraged to relinquish share their toys when she asks for them. You, however, do NOT have to give her the last oatmeal raisin cookie. Remind her that you endured eighteen hours of non-medicated labor, four hours of pushing, and a fourth degree peri-rectal laceration to bring her into this world. She can just get over it. She doesn’t like raisins anyway.

4. If she wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to play, go for it! Remember, she is probably making up for the quality time she didn’t get when you were on the computer sleeping playing Sudoku getting a pedicure cleaning house all day. You will assuredly feel exhausted, but take comfort in the knowledge that she will probably not sleep in after playing with you from 3 to 5 a.m.

Language Skills

1. Do not be concerned about using swear words in front of her. Be realistic. She’s going to hear them anyway on television. Or from her older siblings. Or on Beetlejuice. At least teach her the correct spelling, context, and pronunciation of said words.

2. If she uses her “new words” in a public place, feign shock and disbelief and then proceed to blame television. And her older siblings. And Beetlejuice. Later, in private, praise her for correct context and pronunciation.

3. She will practice using “No” and “Shut-up” on an extremely frequent basis. This is NOT a bad thing. Unless she is saying it to your pastor/preacher/priest/rabbi. In that case, blame satan.

Discipline

1. No. spanking. No. yelling. Period.

2. As an alternative, use the counting method. When she is engaging in an undesirable behavior, count to three. If you reach three and she has not stopped the behavior, go ahead and continue counting up to a maximum of 100. By then, she will probably have moved on to a different [forbidden] activity and you will have forgotten why you started counting. Problem solved. (Added benefit: she will learn to count to 100 well before her peers making her look like a child prodigy thereby ensuring your nomination for “Mother of the Year.” Woot!)

3. There is a very effective method for dealing with particularly offensive actions such as scribbling on the walls with a Sharpie or pouring out the sugar canister onto the new living room frieze carpet. Get out your camera and shoot away. These are the Kodak moments life is all about. Besides, you’ll have fun scrapping it later.

4. If you are occasionally compelled to scold her for misbehavior, and she responds by scowling, crossing her arms, and making that “hmmph” sound (and maybe saying “shut-up”), it is okay to burst out laughing. Most likely, you won’t be able to stop yourself anyway. Because it is so. damn. cute. And reminds you of yourself. And is so. damn. cute.

5. Do not tolerate tantrums in public places. Just buy her the damn Barbie or bag of Skittles already.

Individuality

1. Do not attempt to mold her to your image. She is her own person.

2. Relax and give in to her every request. She knows what’s good for her far better than you do. Or ever will. Again, don’t make her future therapist’s job too easy.

3. Milestones such as weaning and potty training are to be done on her timeframe, not at your convenience. She will more than likely be ready sometime before kindergarten. If not, do your research and find a school that is flexible about these sorts of things and send her there. No matter how much it costs. The Master Gardener will just have to put in a little [more] overtime.

4. Let her express herself. Sometimes [hardly ever] she will do it quietly. Sometimes [almost always] it will involve screaming, crying, door slamming, slapping, kicking, biting, use of the phrase “you’re ruining my life” and possibly blood. Lots. of. blood. Stay calm and encourage her to express her feelings.

5. Encourage exploration and discovery. Put away all poisonous substances and steak knives and let her have the run of the house. Remember, that which does not kill her, gives you more free time.

6. Three words to live by. “Oh, go ahead.”

Eating

1. When? Whenever she will.

2. Where? Anywhere she wants.

3. How? Utensils are entirely optional. Any food can be finger food. “Eat it or wear it” worked for Fudge’s dad.

4. What? Whatever stays in her mouth long enough to be chewed into swallowable pieces. Also, if she prefers foods that are not in one of the main food groups, consider adding a custom group just for her. Customizing is HOT right now.

5. Respect the 10-second rule.

6. Furthermore, everything tastes better with ketchup on it.

Clothing and Getting UnDressed for Success

1. Her Mother’s-Day-Out does. NOT. care. if she comes as Snow White. Again.

2. Pajamas aren’t just for sleeping anymore. Hell, you wear them until noon everyday right?

3. Her Mother’s-Day-Out does. NOT. care. if she comes in her pajamas. Again.

4. Nudity is acceptable. It does not mean she will grow up to be a stripper. A streaker maybe.

5. You hopefully gave up your idealistic notions of anti-materialism by the time child number one turned five. It is not realistic to shield a child from the media’s influence on the average American’s desire for high priced brand name goods. So don’t fight it, embrace it. Shop for her wardrobe in only the best speciality boutiques and high-end department stores. Show her how to hand wash her cashmere. Never, but NEVer, let her play dress up with your Manolos. Train her in the art of detecting knock-offs and teach her the Platinum Rule: Ain’t Nothin’ Like the Real Thing, Baby.

Sleeping Habits

1. Encourage and allow up to seven stuffed animals and/or baby dolls in the crib or bed at a time. This does not include silky blankets for comfort, fleece blankets for warmth, and a pillow.

2. Repetitive readings of Goodnight Moon at sleeptimes are necessary for her brain to facilitate creation and growth of vital neurons and synapses across which chemicals like seratonin and norepinepherine flow to keep her moods balanced. Your mom never did it and look how depressed you are.

3. At any time, she can enforce the “Mommy’s Bed is My Bed” law. It’s all good; co-sleeping is very trendy. You hip mommy you.

4. See number four under “Playtime.”

Finally and possibly most importantly: Ignore the little things. And the big things. Oh, hell, ignore it all. Remember, it’s not that you’re lazy or don’t care. It’s that you’re just too damn tired to argue.