SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF TEETH
For the past couple of years I’ve had a recurring dream about my teeth falling out. The dream is almost always the same, with no memorable beginning or end, only my teeth falling, painlessly and bloodlessly, out of my head. And falling not just one by one, but more as if a mouthful of whole kernel corn were pouring into my hands.
The last time I had the dream was a couple of weeks ago. This time, I dreamt I was in a bar called Empire (that in real life I used to frequent for Friday happy hour with some of my nurse friends back in the late 90′s) and instead of my teeth simply falling out, someone I don’t recognize from real life was pulling them out one by one with a pair of pliers. I remember thinking in the dream that while I hadn’t had any Novacaine, it didn’t hurt. Could be maybe that I was feeling no pain because I’d already had my three happy hour gin and tonics by that point in the dream. I can’t be sure.
DENTAL HIGH-GIENE
I told a friend at work about the dreams, hoping for some help interpreting them, and he seemed unimpressed, but he did mention that meth addicts have been known to pull their teeth to grind them down into a powder for smoking or snorting. I have no idea how that little factoid was relevant to my situation, unless he was insinuating that I might be a meth addict in my dreams, but I do know that after verifying his story via Google, P.I., I no longer feel sorry for all the toothless crackheads out there. Also, I’m a little miffed that in the future when giving my kids the whole Drugs Are The Devil’s Candy Speech, I can no longer use massive tooth decay and loss as one of my 78 reasons to just say no since it appears the whole tooth loss thing? Self inflicted. Thanks for ruining it for everyone, crackheads.
GAME, SET, CRACK
Speaking of The Devil’s Candy, I saw Andre Agassi interviewed on an episode of 60 Minutes last month, and he was discussing his new autobiography wherein he admits to using crystal meth off and on for a year during a low period in his tennis career. Apparently, falling to a number 141 ranking or being married to Brooke Shields drove him to it. Or years of wearing bad hairpieces did. Definitely one of those three things.
Agassi said that failing an ATP drug test scared him straight, ending his drug abuse but not, incidentally, his tennis career, since he explained away the positive result with a fabricated tale that he had ingested the drug accidentally by drinking his assistant’s meth-spiked Diet Coke. The ATP bought his story which is refreshing really since my parents never believed my similar explanation of accidental ingestion of spiked punch at the Junior-Senior Prom. Of course, I wasn’t making their mortgage payments with my Canon Rebel endorsements at the time, but still, WHERE IS THE TRUST?
Incidentally, best as I can tell, Agassi still has all his teeth. So there’s that.
RETIREMENT, SCHMETIREMENT
I caught some of the Vikings vs. Bears game on Sunday which the Vikings easily won 36-10. One of the commentators, for all intents and purposes we’ll say Howie Long, was expressing some serious manlove for Brett Favre, going on and on about how well he has been playing. Long feels Favre’s “game” is as good or better than it has ever been and that he (Favre) seems as strong and physically fit as when he first began playing in the NFL.
When Long finished his Ode d’Favre, for some unknown reason (one of) the voice(s) in my head blurted “I wonder if Brett Favre partakes of the crystal meth”. I scrutinized camera close-ups of Favre. All his teeth seemed present and accounted for. I felt AWFUL to even suspect such a thing and Brett if you are reading this and are 100% drug-free you have my sincerest apologies.
Also, you can thank Andre Agassi since he ruined it for everyone.
As you were.
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