The Pea’s Knees

Greetings from the chaise section of my sofa, where I am writing from my laptop that is perched on my lap (which by the way confirms that “THEY” couldn’t have dreamed of a better name for this piece of technology because see my LAP? My little computer sits on its TOP. LAP-TOP. Laptop. Genius!) and where my left leg rests on a pillow with a bag of frozen peas on my knee since it appears I recovered from C25K-induced blister pain just in time to start experiencing C25K-induced acute knee pain, and if you have to ask why I am using frozen peas as an anti-pain-and-inflammatory mechanism then you must never have tried it because peas, in their tiny roundness, are just perfect for the job.

Which reminds me . . . did I ever tell you the story of the day I got LASIK? Well, let’s back up a bit. I didn’t technically get LASIK because my corneas were too thin or too warped or too juicy or too something I don’t exactly remember. So, instead of LASIK, I had to get LASEK, also known as photorefractive keratectomy or PRK.

If you click on the links to the respective Wiki pages above, you can read about the specific differences in the two procedures, but the short version is that, in my opinion, the biggest difference is the post-procedure discomfort. I have been told that with LASIK most people experience only a mild burning sensation in their eyes after the procedure, whereas with my LASEK, my post-procedure “discomfort” went from nothing to ninety-five (on a scale of zero to ten) in the amount of time it took me to leave the doctors office, cross the parking lot, and sit down in the car. And I am not exaggerating.

My car door wasn’t even closed when I started having excruciating pain in my eyes and all I could think to do was scream at Rob to HURRY, DRIVE FAST! STRAIGHT OVER TO THE WALGREEN’S ACROSS THE STREET! and GET! THAT! LORTAB! (the doctor had given me the prescription before I left his office which, in retrospect, should have been foreshadowing) which Rob did, but of course we all know it takes fifteen minutes to oh possibly forever for pain killers to kick in when you really need them, and I knew I didn’t have fifteen minutes (to forever) to wait before I went crazy with the pain and that’s when I saw a grocery store and began screaming for Rob to GO THERE! GO THERE! GO BUY ME TWO BAGS OF FROZEN PEAS! and Rob probably thought that they had accidentally nicked my brain during the procedure because WHAT THE HELL? PEAS? but he (wisely) did exactly as I ordered and ran in and bought me two bags of frozen peas.

To no avail. I carefully placed one bag on each eye, but the pain didn’t subside a bit. And we had a two hour drive ahead. Wait. What?

See, we had driven to Oklahoma City from Tulsa to have the procedure done, after choosing the doctor based on the his very important qualifications of having the biggest advertisement on the back of the local TV listing guide and the lowest price in the state of Oklahoma. (Oh, I kid. He was actually also recommended by an optometrist who evaluated me here in Tulsa. But the above is true as well.)

And you can believe that I cried and moaned and squirmed every second of every minute of every mile home, even making Rob stop twice because OHMYGODTHEPAIN and he was all “If we keep stopping we are never going to make it home.” and I was all “If you keep saying things like that then only one of us will make it home either way.”

We did, finally, make it home. And I practically ran from the car through the front door and into my bed, yelling over my shoulder to my Mom (who had stayed at the house with the kids) “I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN, BUT I AM SO GLAD I DID IT.” And I really meant it. To this day, I still say it was the best thing I ever did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah except give birth to my four kids. And marry Rob. Whatever. You get my point.

So, anyway, as I sit here on the chaise with a bag of frozen peas on my knee, I am reminded of that day. Of course, I don’t want you to think that the peas I am icing my knee with are the same ones that I iced my eyes with, because that would be totally gross for me to have kept the two bags of peas, that I probably thawed and refroze dozens of times that day, in my freezer for almost four years. No sir, these are the ones Rob used back in July after his vasectomy.

Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday.