Billy Mays is not my lover.

The Walgreens near my house has an aisle with a whole section dedicated to selling “As Seen On TV” products. Which, awesome, since I tend to be susceptible to the charismatic marketing tactics of the likes of one Billy Mays, but am also an unabashed impulse shopper which means four to six weeks shipping and handling time totally kills my instant gratification buzz. And my Walgreens is open 24 hours. Awe-some.

I went to the As Seen On aisle a couple of weeks ago looking for a bottle of Orange Glo, as my hardwoods are due for their yearly bimonthly weekly cleaning, and I have yet to find a cleaning product that doesn’t leave them a dull, streaky mess but Billy Mays promised me a brilliant luster that fills the air with the natural scent of a thousand bushels of ripe Florida oranges and a chorus of angels singing Hallelujah. Or some such.

That darned Billy Mays. He had me at hello.

Anyway, no Orange Glo was to be found on the shelf, which was okay since history had shown that if I actually BOUGHT the Orange Glo then at some point a certain spouse of mine was probably going to expect me to actually USE the Orange Glo. And I’m sort of allergic to activities in the Housework category. Also the Yardwork category. And Cooking.

Undeterred by my (good) luck, I scanned the neatly faced rows of brightly colored boxes, each one imploring me to TRY! the NEW! LATEST! GREATEST! this or that. Just TRY! it for 30! DAYS! MONEY! BACK! GUARANTEED! and not surprisingly, something caught my eye. Behold:

Porta-Book, $19.95 at Walgreens, $14.95 plus shipping after mail-in rebate from website. Chorus of angels not included.

Granted, no endorsement by Billy Mays, but hold the phone Myrtle, will you look at the faces of those shiny, happy people using the Porta-Book? Do you know what that means Myrtle? Let me spell it out for you. BUYING PORTA-BOOK WILL MAKE US ALL SHINY, HAPPY PEOPLE. SHINY HAPPY PORTA-PEOPLE. HOLDING HANDS.

So I bought one. Because I am all about the shinyhappiness.

Unfortunately, after having tried out Porta-Book for approximately 33.7 minutes, I am sad to report that I must fess up and burst your bubble. Look at the advertisement again. See the five Porta-People and the pair of Severed Porta-Arms using the Porta-Book as a laptop stand? It is my belief that those are ACTORS who were PAID to REPRESENT shiny, happy Porta-People (and/or Porta-Arms). I have come to this conclusion based on my personal experience that using the Porta-Book as a Porta-Laptop does NOT make a person shiny nor happy. Based on my personal experience, it makes a person a Porta-BITCH. Especially if a person is me.

Because laptops and Porta-Book do not play well together. Some combination of the laptop’s size and weight and the shape of the Porta-Book’s front raised edge cause the laptop to slide off the Porta-Book while it is in use. Repeatly. At any one of the five adjustable positions.

Now I know what you’re thinking and I completely agree. I pledge NEVER AGAIN to buy an As Seen On TV product that does not carry the Billy Mays stamp of approval. NEVER EVER.

Unless that product is called a Snuggie.

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UPDATED TO ADD: I was not pitched, paid, or promo’d to write this post. I wrote it because I like to buy things and sometimes the things I buy are fabulawesome and sometimes they suck. And I like to tell you which things do which. You’re welcome.