Speechless

Since Rob was such a good sport about me telling the whole entire internet how he SHAVED ALL OF HIS HAIR OFF, I have decided to return the favor by telling The Story of My Most Embarrassing Moment. So I will no longer “owe him.” (And because I know what his idea of repayment is and I try get away with only doing thatONEthing on his birthday.)

Allow me to take you back to the year 1983. And, yes, I realize that some of you were still eggs in your mother’s ovary in 1983.

I, however, was a brace-faced-twelve-year-old starting seventh grade. I had gone through cheerleader tryouts over the summer only to find out that I was not what the tryout judges considered cheerleader material. Not that I was all RAH!RAH! about being a cheerleader anyway, but two of my best friends were cheerleaders and I was a pretty big follower in those days. So I was crushed when I wasn’t chosen for the squad.

On a Monday morning a couple of weeks into the new school year, an announcement was made that Student Council elections had been scheduled for the following Friday and that anyone interested in running could sign up in the front office. Furthermore, it was explained that the power positions were reserved for eighth and ninth graders, so seventh graders were only eligible to run for one of three positions known as Seventh Grade Representatives.

Now, I recollect that I had little to no idea what Student Council did and even less of an idea what the duties of a Seventh Grade Representative would be. But, no matter, one of my two best friends signed up to run, so I did too. Naturally.

The week leading up to the big election passed very slowly. When it was finally Thursday night, I went to bed anxious and excited. All night, I had dreams of my name being announced over the intercom of the WHOLE. ENTIRE. JUNIOR. HIGH as one of the new representatives.

Little did I know that my excitement would turn into terror with one push of that intercom button on Friday morning, when the school principal announced that the assembly for the Student Council election speeches would take place during second hour, and I learned my first real lesson in reading things before I sign them, because I had NO IDEA that giving a speech was part of the deal.

I was such a stupid kid.

I vaguely remember thinking “WHAT STUDENT COUNCIL ELECTION SPEECHES??” right before I peed in my pants/lost consciousness/fell over dead (in that order). But I can’t remember what I did during the hour leading up to the assembly. I do know that it wasn’t GET MY SHIT TOGETHER AND WRITE AN IMPROMPTU SPEECH. But I think it may have been PRAY FOR JESUS TO COME AND TAKE US ALL HOME.

Before I knew it, the bell rang ending first hour. I walked to the school auditorium in a zombie-trance behind my friend who, of course, held a stack of three-by-five index cards in her hand. I followed her down the aisle and up the six steps onto the auditorium stage. Behind the wooden podium, I found the chair with my name on it. Front row, third seat. (Which would have been an awesome spot if I were there for, say, a Rick Springfield concert.)

The seventh grade candidates were to give their speeches first, going in alphabetical order. Since my last name started with an “H”, that made me THIRD to speak. But of course.

My stomach was churning and tying itself in knots. I didn’t hear a word of the first two speeches because I was frantically thinking of what I was going to say.

And praying for the rapture.

Two rounds of applause later and the principal announced my turn. Everything changed to slow motion as I stood up and walked to the microphone. I opened my mouth and actual words came out:

“Hello. My name is Jenny Hensley and I’m running for Student Council Seventh Grade Representative.”

Then, the words stopped coming out.

I COMPLETELY FROZE. AND TIME STOOD STILL.

After probably ten minutes seconds I squeaked out “Thank you” — the only two words left in my vocabulary at that moment — and rushed back to my seat.

And peed my pants/lost consciousness/fell over dead.

At three o’clock, the intercom came on and, not surprisingly, my name was not announced as one of the new Student Council Seventh Grade Representatives. But in hindsight I learned a very important life lesson that day.

Dreams don’t come true.

The End.